Wear Purple: Honoring Survivors of Domestic Violence

I wear purple to honor my mother.

My mom was a survivor of domestic violence. She endured so much, and her story is one of the reasons I became a social worker and therapist supporting women and men affected by abusive relationships.

After 28 years of marriage, she left a profoundly abusive relationship. Her courage did not begin the day she left. It was there throughout the years she survived.

Leaving meant confronting cultural and religious messages that told her to stay, along with the judgment she feared from others—including people in her community of faith. The options and support available to her were limited, and she eventually left fearing for her life.

I honor her survival, her courage, and the life she sought beyond abuse.

Understanding Why People Stay

As a therapist, I have worked with people who remain in abusive relationships while hoping their partner will change.

Others sometimes ask, “Why do they stay?” A more compassionate question is, “What makes leaving difficult, and what support would help?”

We usually enter relationships hoping for companionship, laughter, safety, trust, and a future together. We want to be seen, valued, and loved. When abuse develops, those hopes do not simply disappear.

Fear, financial dependence, threats, isolation, concern for children, cultural pressures, and love can all complicate a person’s options. Leaving may also increase danger, making individualized safety planning important.

Staying does not mean someone accepts the abuse or lacks courage. Responsibility for abuse belongs to the person choosing abusive behavior.

When Harm and Affection Become Intertwined

Some survivors experience a trauma bond: a strong attachment that can develop within a relationship involving repeated abuse, an imbalance of power, and intermittent moments of affection or relief.

A partner may cause harm, then offer apologies, tenderness, or promises of change. Those moments can renew hope and make the relationship difficult to understand or leave.

This does not happen in every abusive relationship, and it is not the only reason people stay. It is one possible part of a much larger picture.

Familiarity Is Not the Same as Safety

In my work, I sometimes describe the pull of a familiar relationship as “familiarity mistaken for safety.”

Someone may recognize that a relationship is harmful while still feeling drawn toward what they know. The uncertainty of change can feel overwhelming, especially after years of control or isolation.

That pull does not make the relationship safe, and it does not mean something is wrong with the survivor. It is an experience that deserves understanding and support.

I also use the informal phrase “oh baby phase” to describe moments when affection, apologies, or promises briefly restore hope. This is my own explanatory phrase, rather than a formal clinical term.

An apology can feel meaningful. But lasting change requires more than comforting words. It requires accountability and sustained changes in behavior.

Support Without Judgment

Criticism and pressure can deepen isolation. Survivors deserve to be heard, believed, and supported in making decisions about their own lives.

If someone you care about is experiencing abuse, you can listen without demanding that they justify their choices. You can remind them that the abuse is not their fault and help them explore support when they are ready.

If you are the person experiencing abuse, you do not have to understand everything or make every decision today. A domestic violence advocate can help you consider options and develop a safety plan that fits your circumstances.

Therapy can also provide space to process fear, grief, confusion, and the emotional impact of the relationship.

Why I Wear Purple

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. For me, wearing purple is a way to honor my mother and stand alongside others affected by abuse.

I wear it for those who have left, those preparing to leave, and those still finding ways to survive.

I wear it for people grieving the relationship they hoped they would have—a relationship filled with safety, respect, laughter, companionship, and a future.

Leaving does not always end the emotional attachment or the grief. Healing can take time, and each person’s path is different.

You deserve support wherever you are in that process. You deserve dignity, safety, and care.

If you would like support processing the impact of an abusive relationship, contact Brenda Cochran, LCSW, at brenda@zoeintegratedhealth.com to inquire about virtual therapy in Texas or Arizona.

For domestic violence support and safety-planning resources, visit thehotline.org.